Dating with Wisdom Instead of Desperation
A 10-part faith-based blog series: Week 7
Have you ever found yourself constantly on dating apps, looking and reaching out on them daily, and maybe even jumping from one relationship to the next without much of a break or any break at all?
Have you ever stayed with someone in a relationship because you simply didn’t want to be alone or to start over or admit you “failed” again at another relationship?
When we’re dating with desperation, we can find ourselves in any one of these situations.
We long so much for connection that we can compromise and be with someone we know is not good for us. We go back to what’s familiar and comfortable and sometimes even at the cost of ourselves.
We search for the connection and tend to grasp onto it more tightly than we should out of fear of losing it.
Has anyone gone back to a previous relationship multiple times or at least been stuck in our mindset wondering that they were the “one that got away?” I’ve been there, not for a while, thank goodness, but I remember those feelings all too well.
What if we slowed down to consider dating with wisdom, consideration, and patience as we wait on God’s timing and trust Him to show up for us regardless of our dating status?
We would experience a lot less hurt, pain, frustration, and devastated hearts.
But what does it look like to date with wisdom instead?
I think we need to ask ourselves some questions:
“Why am I looking for a relationship?”
“Is this search taking up more time than is healthy for me?”
“Am I searching for a relationship out of fear of being alone or never finding anyone?”
“Aam I searching for a relationship out of the desire to commit to a healthy relationship for the long-term?”
First and foremost, we need to invite God into our dating process. Do you pray about potential dates or think you’ve got this and check in with God later…most likely after your heart is already involved.
STOP. Ask God for guidance, wisdom, and patience, and follow where He leads.
If he leads you to not date right now, there is a purpose and a reason for it. Believe it or not, he can bring someone into your life without a dating app.
If he leads you to put yourself out there on a dating app, seek Him daily for wisdom and guidance on how to be on the app with integrity and to not let the search take over your life.
Let’s not judge one another for what God calls us to pursue in terms of dating.
Romans chapter 14 discusses not arguing about certain foods or days of the week that are holy, but to live for our convictions which come from our relationship with God. It talks about helping others not to stumble if they have different convictions, but also staying true to what God calls us to regardless of others as long as it stays true to God’s Word.
Similarly, let’s seek to support and encourage one another as we run after God and obey where he calls us in our dating life.
Let’s seek to honor God, keep him first and foremost, invite our friends and loved ones into our dating life because they care about us and can help us see red flags and hold to our convictions.
Ask yourself:
Does this relationship help me follow Christ? Am I closer to Jesus in and through this relationship?
If you’re not able to talk about your faith or the answer to the above questions is no, I would seriously consider whether or not the relationship is a good and healthy one that God is calling you to be in.
The Bible says it even more intensely in 2 Corinthians 6:15, “What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?”
Hot take: God calls us to be equally yoked in dating and marriage, not to be missionaries in dating and try to lead them to Jesus as we’re dating them.
It is out of love, care, and protection that God calls us to seek out other believers to be in romantic relationships with. He loves people who don’t believe in him and God is calling them to himself. However, it is not recommended that we date them before they are believers or to get them to become believers.
So, how do we date with wisdom and not desperation?
Invite God into your dating life. Pray about anyone you are considering dating and for guidance in how to pursue dating or not to pursue it right now. Trust Him & obey.
Invite friends and loved ones you trust into your dating life. Bring your date around them to help fully understand what type of person they are.
Ask yourself, Is faith the foundation for this relationship? “Am I comfortable having faith conversations with the person I’m dating or is it awkward and I’m not really sure how they feel about God?” If the answer is uncomfortable, then you probably shouldn’t be in this relationship.
Trust God and believe that He is enough with or without a relationship right now. God needs to be enough for you even if you do get into a relationship.
If you’re struggling to figure out what it looks like to pursue dating in a healthy and wise way, reach out for counseling to help you set up safeguards and healthy boundaries. Ladies, also check out my Joyfully Single Counseling Group designed to help secure your identity in Christ, pursue purpose and adventure with God right here and now, and live in the joy He has for you.
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